By Clay Garland
The city we live in is vast and diverse – especially when it comes to what we do when the sun goes down. Follow me on my journey to discover the great sea of mystery that is Milledgeville.
3:30 p.m.- I was sitting with my inside informant, who has asked to remain anonymous, and asked her about the move that night. After several shushes and pleas for me to stop distracting her, the informant, who I will call Jessica, finally revealed that a fraternity would be having a party that night at an off-campus location. The success I felt as I jotted down the information was tremendous. However, I failed to take into account that my interview was taking place during test time… I’m hoping the professor will have some extra credit towards the end of the semester.
6:00 p.m- As I looked in the mirror at my freshly shaven face, brushed hair, and the ironed polo/khaki combo lying on my bed, I couldn’t help but feel a little off. Jessica was not replying to any of my Facebook messages, and believe me, I sent quite a few. I was worried about going to this affair alone: What if I get too drunk? What if I don’t end up going home with anyone, even Jessica? It’s a risky business and I need a partner in crime.
I asked my roommate, Jeff, to accompany me on my adventure. Forgetting, of course, that he hates it when I try to talk to him in the shower. He politely declined.
It was looking like I was going to have to go alone, so I spent the next two hours researching the culture of the American fraternity and what it means to party with one.
10:30 p.m- After watching “Animal House” on repeat while chugging Red Bull and Vodka for four and a half hours, it was time to depart for the evening. My sudden desire to run and shout just for the attention was hard to control, but I had to remain calm until I met with my friends. Or, rather, until I made friends while I was out that night.
10:35 p.m- I didn’t remember the exit to my building being so difficult to find. However, when I found the door to go outside I was greeted by the sight of a company of fellow party-goers. I greeted them a warm “wazzuuuup” and complimented another handsome young man on his tie. Though he did not respond, I continued to interact with them. These were my people now.
11:00 p.m- When I got to the front door I found out that I was not actually allowed inside of the party since I was not a member of this particular fraternity and did not bring two or more women with me. I had to take matters into my own hands.
11:45 p.m- At this point I am bleeding. Not profusely, but enough to be wary. To gain entry to the party I somehow managed to climb up and through a window to an unpopulated bathroom on the first floor. Upon entry I knocked over a glass from the sink and fell directly onto the layer of shards. Thankfully only my forehead, left forearm and confidence were the only things injured.
12:40 a.m.- The blood turned out to be less of a conversation piece and more of a biological hazard and, dare I say it, a turn-off. I also vomited into a plant basin in front of a group of women trying to take a selfie, so things were not going as well as I had hoped… After a few glances from some of the gentlemen who live at the fraternity house, I decided then would be an opportune time to leave. Besides, I kept hearing people say that we were “pre-gaming” but no one would tell me what the rules were. I couldn’t find a sign or anything, how are people supposed to participate in the game if they don’t know how to play?
12:55 a.m.: I tagged along with a group of peers leaving to go downtown. I would not recommend doing this if you are unwanted by that group of people. They really don’t appreciate you trying take pictures with them, even after you explain that they are for investigative purposes and that you know Jessica. It’s not even so much that I’m offended by the fact they didn’t like me, but they didn’t have to keep shouting it.
1:20 a.m.: I am standing alone in a very loud bar with a diet coke trying not to vomit. The group I was with told me that they would meet me back where I was standing, but that was 20 minutes ago and the room is spinning. At this point I realize that I am beyond the point of return in my lack of sobriety and am in an unfamiliar venue. If I did not find an emergency exit soon, I would surely be banned forever.
1:45 a.m.- I have found a small patch of grass about 20 passes away from the back door so that I could recuperate. Or rather, vomit while I cry and wonder why I thought this would be fun.
8:35 a.m.- I am disoriented and sitting in a damp holding cell filled with other people who I don’t think go to our university. It’s hard to believe I’m alive because of how much pain I’m in. At this moment I do not remember a lot from last night after my last entry, except for some bright white lights pointed at me and laughter. I think people were videotaping me. Also, I definitely handed someone $80 for a small white bag. Not sure what that was about.
My dear reader, though over the course of this investigation I got blackout drunk, woke in a jail cell with glass in my forehead and was told I will be charged with public indecency, public drunkenness, possession of cocaine, and breaking and entering, this investigation should teach you some important lessons:
1.) Have friends.
2.) Doing cocaine is bad, but buying and getting arrested with it is much, much worse.
3.) When and if you get arrested for public indecency, do not ask the arresting officer why. They will show a video of you in a crowded alley singing “Poker Face” with your butt and email it to their coworkers.
P.S.- Please send money for my bail and other legal fees to my roommate Jeff, he’ll know what to do. I’m really trying to keep my parents from knowing about this. Also, hand-written notes of encouragement and thanks are appreciated as well.