The Lemonade: Rare, Immortal Student to Actually Pay Off Debt

By Clay Garland

A student at Georgia College and State University was surprised to learn today that she had become the first documented case of an immortal human being.

After a scented candle set her dorm room ablaze, Amy Mackenroe was consumed by the ravenous inferno. Instead of burning to death, she was pleasently surprised to find that her skin was impervious to the deadly fire.

“It’s pretty cool,” Mackenroe told reporters, shrugging. “Like, I’m still gonna finish my marketing BBA, and everything. I wasn’t immortal until just recently, so I’m pretty excited to find out whether I stop aging, too. Infinite time to pay off my loans sounds nice.”

When reporters asked if she had any plans to use her newfound power for good, Amy said she hadn’t thought about it.

“I don’t know. I mean, immortality’s not really going to help me save people from stuff. I could be a fireman, I guess, but you probably have to be pretty strong to do that, right? Like, to chop open doors and stuff? And I’m not very strong. I guess if anyone has any ideas, just send me a message about it on Instagram or something.”

Indeed, Amy has garnered a follower base millions strong on various social networking sites.

Her first video on YouTube, “I Get Hit by a Car and am Totally Fine Cause I’m Immortal” has over 70,000,000 views and climbing.

“Hey, I’m getting some good ad money from those. Gotta eat, y’know? I’m not made of money,” she said, laughing. “Just immortal.”

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