Harmony at home?
Since the dawn of time, mankind has instinctually sought out shelter. A cave, a tree, a dormitory – anything to keep the elements away from our delicate complexions.
However, as this trend began to catch on, space became increasingly difficult to come by, and as a result, considerably more expensive. Therefore, our ever-resourceful ancestors sought out companions with which to share the space, and the burden of rent.
They called these companions “roommates.” And on paper, they made sense. However, there is one eternal conflict that has been the cause of roommate ruptures across the ages. With a roommate, one can often expect the constant presence of that roommate’s significant other. Who among us hasn’t heard a horror story about a roommate’s boyfriend or girlfriend? They don’t clean up after themselves, they don’t pay rent, they eat your food and they make awkward noises that you wish you couldn’t hear.
But heaven forbid you complain to your roommate! You have to live with this person and angering them is not in your best interest. So for the sake of passive aggressiveness, single roommates everywhere, I am going to write a very diplomatic letter with appropriate blank spaces and multiple choice options with which you may fill in and underline your respective concerns. You may then cut out and seal the letter, slipping it anonymously under the roommate’s door or wherever you believe it is most likely to be found:
Dear Living Companion,
I write to address the issues that have arisen since (blank) came to stay with us. I am sure that (blank) is a lovely human being, and I understand that your love will stand the test of time. However, (blank) does have a few shortcomings.
For instance, I am concerned about their (underline one): Drinking problem/ prison record/ leprosy. Additionally, they have shown a lack of respect for my (underline one): Friends/ religion/ personal belongings/ beauty sleep.
While I am thrilled for the love and companionship you have found in each other, I humbly request that you keep your (underline one): Intimate relations/ romantic dates/ séances behind closed doors. Additionally, they needs to keep their (underline one): Paws/ claws/ hooves off of my pizza and away from my shampoo.
I am sure that you, as a rent-paying resident of this establishment, can understand where I am coming from and I promise to show you the same respect. Please pass this information along to (blank) and tell them that the (underline one): Landlord/ manager/ my mom expects their share of the rent by the first of the month.
Hugs and kisses!
-Anonymous concerned roommate