Tips to get a girlfriend

Every week readers send dozens of emails asking me to write on everything from hygiene to the meaning of life.I usually save the suggestions for a rainy day, but last week, I received one that demanded attention. Someone, who writes under the pen name Black Allen, asked, “What can I do to woo the ladies and trick them into marriage?”

This may come as a surprise, but, despite my literary sex appeal, I have no clue. So I asked a few of my female friends what they’re looking for in a man, and I asked my scarily masculine friends their dating secrets. I correlated the lists, and here are fourteen ways to woo a woman.

1. Girls love dogs. You should find the biggest dog possible, for maximum attention, and let him “run away” into a crowd of single ladies.
2. Girls love smells. You should bathe in popular smells like AXE and free liquor.
3. Girls love culture. You should take her to an art gallery or amateur wrestling match. Not only will this give you something to talk about, but both parties will become well rounded American citizens.
4. Girls love sharply dressed men. You should borrow your gay friend’s clothes. This will get her attention and lure her into thinking you possess a sensitive side.
5. Girls love Jesus. You should grow a beard.
6. Girls love art. You should tattoo a Jane Austen quote across your wrist. It shows her you’re sensitive but not afraid of pain.
7. Girls love knowledge. You should memorize quotes from classic literature and use them in casual conversation. Nothing makes pillow talk exciting like “Beowulf,” “Jane Eyre” or “Watchmen.”
8. Girls love safety. You should buy her a bullet proof vest and force her to wear it in your car. This allows you to ask her chest size and earn street cred at the same time.
9. Girls love being held. You should buy her three shots of heavy liquor or cold medicine. As she stumbles, you can tote her heroically to your car.
10. Girls love to cry. You should slip a letter into her mailbox saying a close friend, family member or pet has died. As she cries, collect the tears in your loving arms.
11. Girls love honesty. You should write down everything you say in case you forget.

I hope this lists helps you accomplish your goals, and I demand at least a mention during the thank you speech at your inevitable wedding.

Posted by Steve Holbert on Sep 22 2011. Filed under Opinion. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.