How to succeed in college

Dear GC Students,
It’s the third week of the semester and, as always, the majority of the campus is behind due to sloth, stress and sour mix. Masses are refusing to let go of summer and embrace fall, which can cause emotional and academic damage. However, here are a few ideas to make staying up and finishing those last 90 pages possible.
The first step to staying on track is remembering why students go to college in the first place – knowledge.
Careers are built on the information in overpriced textbooks. Skipping class to sleep or finding that sacred parking space will set collegiate karma in motion. If a doctor doesn’t know the difference between a metaphor and a simile, their patients will die. If an architect can’t list the qualities of bacteria and archaea, their bridges will collapse. Georgia College makes great effort to ensure all classes benefit a student’s desired career path, so get out of bed at 7:55 a.m. for that 8 a.m. class, because one never knows when microeconomics could show up in a Broadway audition.
In addition to career goals, family is another strong motivator. Returning home after a long semester to find both parents emaciated from 80-hour work-weeks to financially support your education is always inspiring, and it’s easy to carry this inspiration in the trunk back to Milledgeville.
For quick motivation, all one needs is chloroform, rope and some imagination. A common study aid is recording one’s parents saying soul-crushing statements such as, “You’ll never be as good as (insert name of older sibling or vampire novelist)!”
Playing this track on a loop while writing six pages in a foreign language reminds scholars that finishing a task is always more important than perfection or spelling.
If the CD becomes ineffective due to overuse, younger siblings or cousins work equally well. Kids are always willing to dress up as beggars and reenact how quitting college leads to meth labs and divorce, and nothing highlights important quotes better than human tears.
If family doesn’t do the trick, fear is nature’s greatest motivator. Armed gunman are reasonably cheap, and don’t mind spending late nights busting caps into the ceiling until one finishes translating the Bible from Middle English. This pass or fail system is both masculine and cost effective; plus, University Housing understands property damage for the sake of academic success.
English majors should get used to holes in walls as early as sophomore year, and after a few weeks, not only will students no longer need sleep, they’ll also know a gunman personally.
These are just a few ways to fight the sandman and study those flashcards, but the key is for each student to find a method that works best for them. Hopefully, everyone will take the initiative to get ahead, so that by the midterm, grades will be so high that skipping class or showing up intoxicated won’t matter.
Comedic as always,
Steve Holbert

Posted by Steve Holbert on Sep 1 2011. Filed under Opinion. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.