Soap not spit for clothes

Dear Friend Who Shall Remain Nameless,

I did not know how to tactfully say this to your face, so I decided to write my thoughts down on paper and repeat them to you in a timely and adult fashion. However, I did not want to ruin our delicate friendship by mocking you to your face, and I thought sliding this letter under your door would seem a little drastic. So I decided to publish it in the paper.

Yesterday—or if you’re reading this in the paper, a week ago—there was a small makeup stain on the arm of my white shirt. Instead of inquiring why a young man of my stature was wearing makeup, you proceeded to lick your thumb and try to remove my stain with your spit. When I asked about your intentions, you replied, “Don’t worry that’s how my mamma and I get stains out.”

I would like to take this moment to inform you it is 2011. People don’t lick their fingers and rub clothes for hours on end to achieve cleanliness. In fact, there is a device where young men and women can wash their laundry. I also heard a rumor such machines reside in every school dormitory and apartment. These devices are very good at washing fabric, and I believe even the Amish are going to start using them soon to save both time and the tips of their fingers.

Even if you have an irrational fear of washing machines, I assure you even a washboard will make your life easier. You are in college, and I simply do not know where you find the time to lick each item of clothing individually until all the stains are removed. I discussed this with a school counselor, and we both agree either you have an unnatural love for the taste of cotton, or you are not using your time wisely. Perhaps you could volunteer this copious amount of free time at the post office licking stamps, but rubbing your tongue against clothing that is not on a significant other’s body is barbaric and unsanitary.

If you would like to accompany me to Sears, I would love to show you a washing machine and prove they are not out to kill you, but if you choose to continue on this path of putting your spit on others, we can no longer be friends. Do not take it personally. I do not hate you. I just hate your personality and the attributes that come along with it. I hope this letter helps you find your flaws and turn your weaknesses into your strengths. If you can show me medical documentation that you have gone a full two weeks without attempting to clean a stranger, then I would love to have you over for dinner and start our friendship anew.

Comedic as always,

Steve Holbert

Posted by Steve Holbert on Apr 14 2011. Filed under Opinion. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.