Thank you credit card bandit
Dear Credit Card Bandit,
You are a genius. A sneaky genius. On behalf of the dozens, if not hundreds, of college students you have robbed of precious debit and credit card numbers, I wanted to say, thank you. In these past two weeks, I have learned more about work ethic, banking and ingenuity than I had in three years of higher education. I finally understand your double agenda and I am eternally grateful.
Since you stole my debit card number, I have been unable to partake in time wasting activities. Without cash, I could not purchase alcohol to cope with my initial anger, but this lack of liquor forced me to focus my rage into a more productive habit—homework. I was also supped to take a young lady out to dinner, and when monetary issues forced me to postpone, she settled for someone who carried cash. Thus, my Friday night was spent doing homework and working on my memoir. I don’t anticipate next Friday to be any different. While unable to eat out or purchase unhealthy groceries, I fasted and dove deeper into my foreign language, which significantly raised my GPA while lowering my waist size.
In addition to perseverance, your life-coaching methods opened my eyes to the world of adult banking. I learned when fraud assistance men and women call to ask for a verification e-mail address, some college students have between two to seven separate inboxes, which makes them look even more suspicious. Next, I discovered when banks review my statements, I must explain every online purchase and verify each website individually. Subsequently, I learned bankers are a judgmental bunch.
The final and most important life lesson I learned from this process was how to make a large amount of cash in a short period of time. Many college students assume selling yourself over the Internet is a quick and painless process, but it is certainly not. After logging off my computer, I learned the importance of filling out applications because eagerness and purple ink are no longer positive signs in job interviews or while selling one’s semen. Several failures taught me money is better when earned through hard work, and I’m talking about physical labor. Do you know how far girl scouts will chase a white man who has their collection box? Four blocks. Four Samoa-scented blocks.
My life has been changed for the better, and you are the sole man, woman or techno-savey transvestite responsible, and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. I sincerely hope someone steals your personal information in the future, and you also learn a lesson.
Comedic as always,
Steve Holbert
Posted by Steve Holbert
on Feb 28 2011. Filed under Opinion.
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