Satire: Statues are awesome

School spirit doesn’t come cheap. Green and blue blood doesn’t pay the bills—mostly because it doesn’t exist, and since the university sucks every available dollar out our wallets, it understands any extra spending money must come from someone richer than current students.  That’s when the university calls the alumni. Georgia College recently purchased several bobcat statues to place across campus and many of my peers have openly expressed their distain. However, I think these unhappy students do not understand the useful applications of a giant, fiberglass bobcat.

The first and most prominent use for such a statue would be for nostalgia. Every day countless students will take pictures with the colossal cat, and e-mail them home to Mom and Dad as a reminder of their educational progress before going downtown for alcoholic progress. These same students will no doubt come back to take more photos on special occasions such as their graduation, birthday or even wedding. Who knows 50 or 60 years from now their family might even prop their coffin against the beast for a final photo.

In addition to visual appeal, the statues also provide security to the students. Thanks to Disney’s “Gargoyles,” every child from the 90’s knows certain statues have the ability to come alive after sunset. With their large price tags, surely these bobcats possess this mystical quality. Student will no longer need to fear being mugged while walking to their cars after night classes because they’ll have an army of supernatural felines to protect them. In fact, the new guards could even stop vandals, rival schools and inappropriate chalkers. The new face of safety is a pair of sharp fangs and beautifully pained claws.

Imagine what they could do if the bobcats were allowed to roam off the campus. They could prowl downtown and help intoxicated students back home. Underage drinkers will no longer fear calling for a ride and stumbling back to their dorms, where they could fall and injure themselves. Instead, they could ride a giant bobcat, which is far less suspicious. When not assisting students, the statues could help old ladies cross the street, carry groceries to cars, or save crying babies from burning buildings. The felines are more than a symbol of school spirit.  They are a symbol of the American spirit.

With stone pets come new possibilities. I’m sure once the bobcats start helping the community by fighting crime or posing for photos or doing both at the same time everyone will agree they’re just another addition to our happy Georgia College family. Now the only question is who’s going to feed, bathe and clean up after them? Personally, I suggest that responsibility goes to the donors and people in charge of money distribution. After all, if it wasn’t for them, we wouldn’t have new statues in the first place.

Posted by Steve Holbert on Feb 17 2011. Filed under Opinion. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.