You’re stupid Cupid

Dear Cupid,

You scare me. Most people my age look forward to a small, half-naked man zipping through the air and stabbing strangers, but I question your morals. I wrote this letter in hopes you could answer some of my burning questions and convert me into one of your cultish followers.

First, would you please tell me how you got your job? Was there an ad in the Athenian paper for an immortal archer, or are you some sort of winged vigilante? I hope you applied and the gods, whom I’m told stepped down from office years ago with the discovery of Christianity and Microsoft, went through an extensive background search before finding you suitable. However, if you could please e-mail me your credentials because I can’t help but feel you’re not qualified for your job. Over half the marriages in American end in divorce. Perhaps, if you had some background in psychology, sociology or common sense, you wouldn’t force complete opposites to fall in love when it only ends in scarred children, failed marriages, or drug addictions.

Next, I would like an explanation for the diaper. You’ve been alive for thousands of years.You should be potty trained by now or at least invest in some type of onesie to hide your horrible secret. They make diapers for adults that are virtually invisible and are both comfortable and absorbent—so I’m told. Perhaps the addition of pants could lead you to a new wardrobe, which will help you relate to the modern world. You could wear red exercise gear and carry a gun loaded with love caps to bust into the bums of hopeful singles. It’s fail safe. At least until you walk into gang territory, but you’ve been shooting for years.

While we’re talking about shooting, could you possibly stop? It seems rude and unnecessarily suggestive. Also, I am interested in how you sterilize your arrows. Blessing them with a sanitation incantation and lubing them with hand sanitizer does not meet any health codes. Since you’ve never struck any of my positional lovers or me, I know little about your craft, but I’d think having an arrow removed from one’s body would be very expensive.

Lovers without healthcare could roam for weeks or even years with an arrow protruding from their anus until they’ve saved enough money to have it removed, which could lead to infection or even death. You could be killing people. Not only are the suicidal singles in danger, but you’re also endangering the innocent lovers this holiday season you selfish man-child!

I apologize if this letter seemed a little offensive and belligerent, but I’m a very lonely man. Perhaps if you can remedy that, all the above faults can be overlooked. I love red heads.

Comedic as always,

Steve Holbert

Posted by Steve Holbert on Feb 10 2011. Filed under Opinion. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.