Satire: My take on Valentine’s Day

Valentines Day is only a week away, and single people across the globe are panicking. No one wants another year eating takeout, watching Lifetime, crying and phoning mother to say life couldn’t be better. Luckily, single people no longer have to suffer through this holiday because there are many ways to trick friends into believing one is in a relationship this holiday season, which makes one not only look confident, but also more desirable to the opposite sex.

The first step is locating the desired date and learning his or her likes and dislikes. Private investigators are relatively inexpensive these days, but since secrecy is the goal, singles must resort to doing their own snooping. Class schedules can easily be hacked on a computer and the average apartment lock can be picked with a simple butter knife. Once the home is entered, interests can easily be deduced from posters, DVDs or even a friendly conversation with their roommate. If the roommate inquires how you entered the house a prison shank will stop the questioning and start the answers.

After the research phase is complete, it is time to create a false relationship. Photoshop is virtually free once stolen off the internet and inserting someone into a secret crush’s Christmas, reunion or wedding photos doesn’t break any know laws. Coworkers are more likely to believe in a false relationship if there is physical evidence, so flowers, chocolates, and sexually explicit e-mails are guaranteed to start gossip in any office. To create an illusion of a long-term relationship, simply invest in falsified sonograms or even consider paying children off the street to hug you in public and refer to you as stepdad or aunt mistress.

Once the relationship is accepted, the third and most difficult step is to get the desired date alone and convince him or her to pay for a fancy dinner. In the past people would simply try the “Can I borrow a cup of sugar?” approach, but in 2011, one has to be more creative and less predictable. A gun to the temple of their loved one is sure to grab attention, but for people unable to purchase firearms due to age or mental conditions, snake venom is also effective and surprisingly easy to attain. Simply inject the significant other in their sleep and refuse to give them the anti-venom until the conclusion of the date, and if they leave a terrible tip, allow the waiter to decide if they deserve to live.

With these simple steps, any single person can get a date this Valentines Day and on the day when everyone is forced to eat with a silent disdain for their date, singles will finally understand how lucky they truly are.

Posted by Steve Holbert on Feb 3 2011. Filed under Opinion. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.