My Christmas List

Dear St. Nicholas,

It appears my last year’s wish list was lost in the mail because none of my desires came true. To ensure you see this year’s demands, I’m posting it in The Colonnade because you read it religiously like every other obese Americans.    These are non-negotiable.

1. I would like for the Hope Scholarship to cover more than 127 credit hours.

As a double major, I need the state to pay my bill, unless Mrs. Claus has been saving up for me. However, I know she spends her money on therapy because you have no children of your own.

2. I would like a flying reindeer.

Parking tickets are getting ridiculous, and it would be easier to teach a land mammal to fly than convince the city to build a parking deck. I also hear they are excellent at battling pterodactyls.

3. While delivering presents this Christmas Eve, I would like you to go into my roommate’s bedroom and collect the dirty dishes he’s been hoarding.

Don’t tell me you can’t do this because you are infamous for getting into homes without keys or permission.

4. I would like for you to use your pagan powers to bring Dobby the house elf back to life.

He is a very hard worker and would be an excellent addition to your staff. Not to mention his freakishly large eyes allow him to keep an eye on the Grinch, who I hear is secretly a Death Eater.

5. While parading the sky on Christmas Eve, please crash your sleigh into the apartment below mine.

They play their “music” very loud during the Christmas season, and if you were to intrude into their bedroom the ruckus might stop.

6. I would like coal.

Most kids want presents, but when I graduate with a Theatre degree, I will need to coal to keep my tin drum burning on those cold winter nights. Also, I found coal fetches a higher price on the market than Furbies these days.

7. Could you make my family mute?

I don’t know if that’s in your power, but make it happen. Otherwise, I’ll let everyone know a Ukrainian man is sneaking into children’s rooms and to give things.

8. Can you explain the ending of “LOST” to me?

I’m just not smart enough. It’s an intelligent show. Do you get cable on your glacier? If not, then you are missing out my friend.

9. Fire all your elves and hire Americans. We are in a recession.

Thanks in advance.
Comedic as always,
Steve Holbert

Posted by Steve Holbert on Dec 2 2010. Filed under Opinion. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.