Shut up, eat your turkey

Thanksgiving is meant to be a celebration. It’s a day when Americans gorge in remembrance of the last supper shared with the Native Americans, before we wiped them out with smallpox. Families seem to forget the importance of this holiday among their daily quarrels, so here are a few helpful tips for making the family get together more enjoyable

This holiday revolves around food, so if the preparation and consumption of the Thanksgiving meal runs smoothly, then the rest of the day should do the same. If cooking takes too long, then guests get flustered, but chaining women to kitchen floors in this age is considered “extreme.” Likewise, men chewing tobacco around a deep fryer, which is shaped like a spittoon, can only end terribly.

To avoid both problems, I suggest ordering fast food, which should please everyone. In case your family contains a single vegetarian who promotes their lifestyle in an elitist fashion, simply put meat in every disk. They can’t complain if they starve to death. If the meal becomes too overwhelming, simply run out the kitchen crying and explain some estranged war veteran robbed the place at gunpoint. Then, food will cease to matter.

In addition to dietary concerns, family conflicts always creep up during the holiday season, but these small tiffs can easily be mended. A divorce does not have to remain a silent taboo. Divide the house in half with a role of tape and force everyone to pick a side. This promotes unity and competition within the group and avoids any misconceptions. After the line is drawn, make sure family members who cannot get along avoid one another and destroy conflicts before they start. It only takes 15 minutes to print out signs, which allow each bigot, gold digger and closeted homosexual their own designated rooms to socialize with others of their kind.

Once every family member gets along, ensure each activity does not upset the delicate balance of silence and denial. The “What I’m Thankful For” game always turns into a humility contest and should be avoided at all cost. Besides, it’s only a matter of time before two cousins name the same female coworker.

Instead, a strong game of pretend is encouraged. Each person can imagine college or the Obama administration does not exist, which keeps the condescending questions to a minimum. The family can watch television and spend their days staring at a screen, like good Americans. However, the Thanksgiving Day Parade always starts arguments about commercialism and the sexual orientations of cartoons, so families should watch something everyone can relate with, such as “Cops” or “Sex In The City 2.”

If none of these suggestions work, take your family to a soup kitchen and volunteer. Not only does it give back to the community, but it also puts your personal blessings into a much clearer perspective.

Posted by Steve Holbert on Nov 18 2010. Filed under Opinion. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.