Suggestions for hipsters

Dearest Hipsters,

Because the printed word is simply an invention of the U.S. government to brainwash the youth of America and force them into a life of domesticity and literacy, I doubt you are reading this. However, I wanted to write this letter in hopes that you would view it through your non-prescription glasses and realize everything you’re missing out on. Life is too short to turn things down simply because the majority of society condones them.

For example, I am sorry you feel it is necessary to dress “alternatively” in hopes everyone around you will stop pushing their Wal-Mart buggies filled with non-organic whole foods and applaud your individuality. The homeless also dress this way, but not by choice. I understand clothing from the seventies is relatively cheap in comparison to modern styles, but if you buy a sweater that was made two decades ago, please remember it carries the smells from the 80s, 90s, and early 2000s.

It only makes sense to wash it otherwise you’re going to smell like girl power, boy bands and 9/11. Instead of looking to the past to express your nonconformity, please look to the future. Imagine what a statement you’ll make walking down the hall in a skirt made out of laminated kitten photos or a scarf made of extension cords. If you want to make a bigger statement, plug your new scarf into the wall and jump into a paisley print pool filled with water.

I also feel you could only miss out on life if you stop doing things because they are “main stream.” If everyone likes a band, it does not mean you need to burn all their CDs and permanent marker the name of some fictitious Indie group on your canvas bag as a reminder of your cultural relevance. Two people can like the same thing. Look at parents; they love all their children equally—in theory.

Plus, it’s impossible to avoid everything that’s popular. Air is popular, but that doesn’t mean you are going to stop breathing. If it does, then you’ll probably pass out, and some selfish person will perform CPR, which will bring you back to life even though death is much edgier. How dare they?

I hope you find my suggestions as helpful as you find Holden’s never-ending stream of conscious in “Catcher in the Rye” deeply philosophical instead of the shallow whining of a sexually-repressed teenager, and if you do not, I’m going to give you a simple alternative. If you cannot start living confidently in your individuality without making everyone around you feel subhuman, then I’m going to ask my millions of readers across this great country to dress and act exactly like you. And in a world where everyone is hip, you won’t be.

Comedic as always,

Steve Holbert

Posted by Steve Holbert on Oct 22 2010. Filed under Opinion. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.