Self-checkout problems

What genius came up with the self-checkout lane? I want to high-five him, pull his arm behind his back and push him onto the scanner until the red laser permanently blinds him. On paper, the invention seems like both a time-saving and user-friendly device, but in actuality it becomes more of a nagging stepmother from hell, which must be served divorce papers and destroyed.

My first problem with the self-checkout lane is the fact it upsets the nation’s delicate demand curve. If customers are able to checkout their own groceries, then what’s stopping Wal-Mart from firing the countless workers? I personally believe in the American dream of poor white boys working their way from the gutter into a corporate office, and I firmly believe if I take the extra effort to lift the ungodly two gallon jug of milk and scan it with my feeble arms, then Wal-Mart should pay me.

Beyond the principles, I find the machine’s voice upsetting. I understand times are hard, and it was cheaper to hire the 40-year-old smoker who also voices the personal car GPS. However, I find this woman exceptionally rude and unnecessarily verbose. Why must she yell at me to place my items in the bagging area? They are my items. I’m paying for them. I should have the option of placing my “Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief” DVD wherever my heart desires. Secondly, I find her “please” while instructing me to scan my items condescending considering the fact she knows the barcodes are purposefully placed in inconvenient locations and designed to make the shopper look like fool in front of other customers. There’s no timer. It’s not a game. I’m taking all the time I want.

Next, I feel the self-checkout machine is overly concerned with theft in some areas and too lax in others. If you place anything from a hand to a child in the bagging area, the machine assumes you are stealing. I understand the practicality of this feature, but I hardly understand how the global corporation is going to go bankrupt due to a pack of gum. However, when I scan my debit card the machine asks me if I know my pin number, and I often wonder what would happen if I selected “no.” Would the voice say, “He’s a thief. Tase him!” I doubt it. She would probably say, “He’s using coupons. It could be worse.”

Finally, my biggest pet peeve is the plastic bags. Someone in the back of the store purposely glues them together so I always look like an idiot trying to split them apart. It always happens when there are 10 people behind me, and I want to cry. I understand you want to save the rain forest but not at the expense of my emotions.

In short, I am boycotting the self-checkout lanes and standing in line from now until the day I die. Unless the line is long. Or there’s a scary biker. Or I’m in a hurry.

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Posted by Steve Holbert on Oct 8 2010. Filed under Opinion. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.