Satire: 24 hours as Steve Holbert

Many people often ask, “Steve, what’s it like being you?” My initial answer is always, “Disney Princess.” However, the life of an overachieving student, who takes 24 class hours in hopes of graduating early with two majors which make virtually no money, is hard to explain, so I’ve included a schedule of my daily routines for future reference.

6:30 a.m. Wake up in the morning feeling like a rapper, so I shoot my alarm clock into submission.

7 a.m. I jump into the shower to wake up, and then crawl back into my dirty bed for a 15-minute nap.

7:30 a.m. Sprinting toward the shuttle, the bus leaves only seconds before I arrive because the driver cannot see me through the construction zone’s black netting. When I finally arrive on campus, I buy a Chick-fil-A biscuit and tea, which I will refill throughout the day.

8 a.m. While the professor lectures about ancient civilizations, I wonder what possessed me to sign up for an 8 a.m. core class.

8:30 a.m. I concluded the people who keep commenting on my article’s grammatical mistakes hacked my account and signed me up for an 8 a.m. just to spite me. I learn the Assyrians used to decapitate people they didn’t like and use their heads as a decoration.

9 a.m. My second class begins, and I’m finally hit with my first wave of energy.

9:30 a.m. After 40 minutes of straight lecture, I use my energy to build a fort in the back of the classroom and nap.

10 a.m. The professor has the audacity to knock on the door of my fort and ask me to return to my seat. I lower the net on him, so the rest of the class and I can escape.

10:30 a.m. Working in the office for my scholarship hours, which includes copying, running errands and occasionally saving stray animals.

10:45 a.m. Contemplate quitting college to become a professional wrestler.

Noon Try to eat lunch, but get stopped by that kid who followed me here from high school.

12:30 a.m. Third class of the day begins, and after 20 minutes I fake my own death to escape.

1:45 p.m. I offer a homeless man $10 to sit in my next class and sign the role for me. He refuses to sit through any math class for less than $20.

3:30 p.m. The parents call to remind me that I am not working hard enough.

5 p.m. Last class gets out, and I take an hour nap before homework.

11 p.m. Wake up from hour nap refreshed but very upset with myself.

11:30 p.m. Begin working on three essays due tomorrow when a friend invites me downtown for her birthday.

Midnight Decide that using some French to pick up women downtown is the same as studying for tomorrow’s test.

3 a.m. Return home to discover the semester’s big research paper is due at 8 a.m.

3:30 a.m. Open my window and ring my emergency cow bell.

4 a.m. The Amish arrive and begin helping me with my work.

6 a.m. The barn is finished and my paper is at least C worthy.

6:30 a.m. My new alarm clock goes off. Open e-mail to find my 8 a.m. is cancelled.

Posted by Steve Holbert on Oct 1 2010. Filed under Opinion. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.