An open letter to Miley Cyrus

Dear Miss Cyrus,

It has been a while since I last saw you because of the restraining order, but I have this deep urge to speak with you. I took the time to write this fan letter on Waffle House napkins. I know you like the Waffle House, so I thought this stationary would help soothe you because the contents of my letter are a little less than comforting. Please know I write everything to you with love.

This is an intervention. You are losing your touch with reality and I want to help you. It is completely understandable because only two short years ago, you put on a blonde wig for attention. Not only did you have yourself convinced you were someone else, but you also managed to surround yourself with a sea of habitual liars who claimed not to connect Hannah with Miley, even though they share the same eyes, voice and fingerprints. Disney likes to tell you that this transformation from Miley to Hannah is a simple game of pretend or the ability to make twice the profits off a single singer, but it is known in the real world as multiple personality disorder.

I understand that name changes are common in the music business, but please look at your fellow performers and the problems it caused them. Ditty has changed his names so many times the IRS keeps losing his payments and trying to throw an innocent man in jail. Not to mention the tragedy of Mrs. Sasha F. Knowles. Beyonce is happily married, but Sasha Fierce, her big-haired alter ego, keeps singing songs about wanting a ring put on her finger, and I’m sure it is taking a toll on her marriage.

I tried to dismiss it as a simple phase, but then I saw your “Can’t Be Tamed” video and knew you needed professional help. You’ve been searching for an identity for years and finally convinced yourself that you’re a bird. I’m sorry to tell you, but you are nothing like a peacock. I want to make sure you know this before you try to fly off a building or make another adult video. I don’t know what Disney told you, but grown-ups do not walk around in feathers and break into dancing. We have bills to pay.

You are a 17-year-old girl traumatized by the mullet of your father, and my heart goes out to you. I hope that one day you can finally look inside yourself and discover your true identity. You set out to change the world, and the world has changed you. I wouldn’t take the time to write this if I didn’t believe you were a precious gift. Through “Party In the USA,” you helped teenagers and their fathers find their identity through patriotism, and I hope this will push you to do the same. You are America.

Comedic as always,

Steve Holbert

Posted by Steve Holbert on Sep 24 2010. Filed under Opinion. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.