Satire: Making summer count in Las Vegas

Summer break is upon us and the signs are everywhere. Teachers are cramming in work after procrastinating during the month of March. Students have stopped caring about their workload and are accepting to settle for a full letter grade below their initial goal, and people in general are taking their clothes off to burn in the sun and encourage skin cancer in the name of beauty. Even with work bombarding me at every turn, I’ve taken the past week to slack off and plan out my summer because even though it will not earn me a bachelor’s degree, it feels good.

Most college students spend their summers on lofty vacations doing college-type things like partying, finding love, and making PowerPoints, but I have decided to spend my summer differently. My schedule will not revolve around volleyball and making a seasonal girlfriend who smells of innocence and menthol cigarettes. Instead, I will dedicate my time to making the world a better place on a mission trip. I will pack up my things, head to Las Vegas, and change lives.

Upon arriving in this sin den, I will quickly identify citizens in desperate need and financially help them. Did you know countless young women walk the streets begging for money each night? It’s heartbreaking. I’ll simply sign blank checks and throw them into the air for these upstanding Americans to find. My friend told me some of these young ladies would be so grateful they’d offer to follow me home, but I’m not in this for the fans. I’m in it for the pure joy of helping others and covering up my hidden guilt for telling everyone in third grade my best friend was a bed-wetter. Sorry, Blake.

With my money gone, I’ll need to make quick cash to start the building of my halfway house for gambling addicts. I plan on winning these addicts over by living among them for a few weeks, earning their trust, and then have an intervention where I will lure them into the back of my van with a “Rain Man” DVD. In the process, I’ll make money in the casinos doing what casinos were built for – drug trafficking.

With stacks of benjamins and a league of henchmen named after power tools, I will set out to save the children of Las Vegas. In the entertainment capital of the world, orphanages are overcrowded, and there is simply not enough porridge for these obnoxiously demanding white kids. I plan on giving each child a happy home by creating newly married couples eager to adopt. Why am I so confident men and women will flock to chapels? My henchmen will hold them at gunpoint, that’s why.

My personal mission will not be easy, but it will be worth the past three months of careful planning and strategic blackmail. If anyone would like to help out I am more than willing to take a few people my age to show that if we stop caring about our tan lines we can change the world.

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Posted by Steve Holbert on Apr 30 2010. Filed under Opinion. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry