Satire column: Chocolate Jesus saves

The bunny beat Jesus again. How long will the Christian community continue to let this happen? There needs to be a new campaign to upgrade the Messiah and make children desire him more than a cute, furry mammal, and since the church refuses to help Jesus regain his holiday, I took it upon myself to save the true meaning of Easter.

While most Americans celebrated the resurrection by wearing ugly pastel hats, I went to the mall and set up a photo booth for children to take pictures with Jesus. Not the regular wigged, fake beard Jesus but a lovely mascot Jesus with an overly large head and furry body to further attract kids. As children sat in my lap, I asked them what they wanted for Easter and I was shocked at the answers.

Kids could care less about salvation from the eternal fires of hell, they want candy. Under the cover of night, I – escalading as the Son of God – ran around the globe, breaking into housing and putting Hershey’s chocolate in the shape of the Trinidad under each child’s pillow. I don’t see how the Easter Bunny does it? I was sprinting on water and I could barely make it over the ocean on time. The thought of a bearded man sneaking into children’s bedrooms is not appealing to parents – unless it’s Jesus.

While touring the globe, I attempted to make Christianity more appealing as a whole to match the 2010 mindset. I repainted “The Lord’s Supper” in a more practical manner complete with jelly bean meal and 12 peep disciples, but nothing I did mattered because the Easter Bunny foiled me at every turn with his sugary goodness and claymation specials, where he also attempts to take over other holidays.

Saving a Christian holiday from excessive commercialism is too big a job for one skinny white boy, but I will press on because if the Easter Bunny is not caught, captured, and properly executed, imagine how far the worship will continue in the future. In 10 years, crucifixes will be replaced by sad bunnies with eaten ears and heavenly halos. Parents will tuck their children into bed telling them the classic story of how after three days, St. Peter Rabbit busted out of the tomb and began his journey to make children happy. I will not let that happen.

Easter Bunny, if you are reading this, I’m after you and not even PETA can save you.

Posted by Steve Holbert on Apr 9 2010. Filed under Opinion. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry