Killing students solves Georgia’s educational budget problems*

Budget cuts on higher education are unacceptable, but it’s understandable that this fair state cannot continue to spend its money on colleges. However, the issue is not the institution size. The problem is the student body size and the solution to overly large student bodies is simple — start killing students.

Face it, 10 out of 10 people die, and if half of Georgia’s higher education students were removed, then spending would be cut by at least half. The HOPE Scholarship would not be spread too thin and students could have their textbooks paid for once again. Also, dining services could significantly lower their spending because dead bodies don’t eat and who needs a cardio workout in a new fitness center when their heart has stopped beating? Fewer students mean less spending.

The state could also make a profit off the death of its higher education students. Once the students are dead, state officials can raid their dorm rooms for jewelry, PSP games and other valuables they could sell on Amazon, and let’s not forget the vast amounts of marijuana, alcohol and Adderall the state is also inevitably going to find. Sell the drugs to the surviving college students and make a profit.

Now the only question is which students live and which students die? One option is a raffle, but there are other ways to approach the situation. GPA could be an important factor, but the state should also consider which students actually desire higher education. The student in the front row taking notes lives. The students sleeping and playing Chatroulette die. If there’s a student smoking within 30 feet of a building, take them out. If it comes down to it, let the students decide. Allow students to report others who hinder their education and let the state remove this hindrance. What better way to fix an overly partying roommate than with a death threat?

Before shots are fired, it’s important to see how the students feel. College students are at an unimaginably high stress level. They also know upon graduation it’s highly unlikely they’ll find a job in this economy and they will be swimming up to their eyeballs in debt. Fine arts students and English majors are already destined for a life of poverty, so why not put them down easy?

Once the child is dead, parents are going to ask questions, so I’ve prepared a generic letter.

We at GCSU regret to inform you, but your son and/or daughter did not make the cut. They are — excuse us — were a disgrace to our school and your family, so we killed them. If you are upset we suggest you have another child to fill the void, and if you would like to donate money to the school in their memory please contact us immediately.

This plan is flawless, and I believe it should start in June 2012, after I graduate.

*This article is a satirical piece and not meant to harm anyone.

The Colonnade does not condone killing of students. Happy April Fool’s!

Posted by Steve Holbert on Apr 1 2010. Filed under Opinion. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry