Satire column: My anti-drug, ‘The Secret’

The Secret is God. I didn’t believe it at first, but it’s true. The Father, the Son and the Holy Secret. Amen. I know there are a few people reading this who think “The Secret” is full of witchcraft and alchemy, but once they read the vague book, view the vague videos, and listen to the vague tapes the answers is crystalline clear. What exactly is the Secret? I’m not sure, but I know it works.

Last week while hanging posters downtown and contemplating the miserable existence that is my life, I stumbled upon what appeared to be a typical gypsy antique store. I entered, and the owner, sensing my dismay, beckoned me with her hook hand into the back room. Once I sat at her séance table, she pulled out a copy of “The Secret,” and promised, for the mere price of $23.95, my life could go from negativity to denial. I didn’t have the money, so she gladly took my Bible and a small vial of goat blood as payment.

“The Secret” revolves around positive energy and the mantra “Ask. Believe. Receive.” As long as an individual sends positive energy out into the universe, then the universe will return that positive energy tenfold. This positive outlook, which can be achieved by means of blind optimism or prescription painkillers, guides the followers to achieve their larger goals by subdividing these larger goals. In simpler terms: If you ask for money and believe you’ll receive money, a wealthy relative will instantaneously die and leave you money.

I jumped on this philosophy and before I knew it, the universe was sending me everything I wanted without any hard work or effort. I’ve always wanted a child, and I found one sitting in a Wal-Mart buggy full of groceries. His mother left him for a full 15 seconds and I just took him as a gift from the universe. The police didn’t understand, but then I showed them “The Secret.” Sadly, they didn’t care, but I didn’t let them hinder my positivity.

If that doesn’t make you a believer, “The Secret” helps me succeed every day in ordinary situations. I was in traffic behind an old, snail-paced man, who was making me late for an appointment. I believed I would make it on time, and a transfer truck sideswiped him instantly, pushing him out of my way. Thanks universe. While sitting in class, I positively thought an overly odorous classmate would smell better, and the police came to escort him out on drug charges. While in jail he got a new shower buddy and I breathe easier. Thanks universe.

Finally, I really wanted some of my unbelieving friends to quit mocking me, but they kept on nagging. I mysteriously found a positive looking match and some optimistic kerosene the universe conveniently placed on my debit card bill, and now their negativity has gone up in smoke while my success burns bright. Thanks universe.

May “The Secret” bless you and keep you.

Posted by Steve Holbert on Mar 20 2010. Filed under Opinion. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry