Satire column: A bitter Dear John mad lib
Now that the girlfriend applications are in, it’s time I prepare a break-up letter. Since, I’m not Raven and can’t see the future while making a stroke face, I’ll just write a generic letter with many options to choose from. If you’re currently in a relationship on the rocks, you’re more than welcome to use this and circle the options that apply.
Dear (girlfriend/wife),
I am (terribly sorry/overjoyed) to tell you this, and we know I’ve never been very good at (these sorts of things/monopoly). So here it goes. I’m breaking up with you because of (religious reasons/lack of physical attraction). I know reading this makes you (heartbroken/suicidal), but don’t despair. I’m only leaving you to pursue (children’s ministry/other women).
I know looking back on our relationship you (never/totally) saw this coming. From our first meeting at (church/AA), I always thought we would last (forever/until I found someone better). Right now, I’m looking at (old photos of us/porn), and I’m drawn back to the happier time when the two of us first met. I was immediately attracted to your (eyes/sister), but that attraction was soon overshadowed by (your bad hygiene/the fact that you’re crazy). If it wasn’t for your (pride/promiscuity), I would take a second chance at this relationship, but now I just hope you (move on/die).
Although our relationship is over, I wish you nothing but (the best of luck/blindness on your children), and I’ve taken the initiative to move on. Your belongings are at (your mother’s house/Goodwill), and I had your clothes (dry-cleaned/urinated on by homeless men). If you have any of my personal belongings at your apartment I would be more than happy to (retrieve them with my mistress/autograph them). I hope you don’t mind, but after I realized you (cheated/loved the Jonas Brothers more than you ever loved me), I took the liberty of shattering your (car window/heart).
As far as the (pets/children) are concerned, I’m (not sure they’re mine/having them put down). I remember the day we brought them home after (visiting the shelter/kidnapping them from a Wal-Mart buggy), but they are simply too much for me to care for with my (schooling/alcoholism). I remember upon several occasions you called me an inadequate (father/lover), so I firmly believe you and your (overbearing mother/pool-boy lover) are more than able to rear these (gifts from God/mistakes).
I promise to (leave you alone/take the lock of hair I stole while you slept and make a voodoo doll), but there are just a few things I ask of you. Please, find my number in your phone and (delete it/change my name to “Guy I Underappreciated”). Also, I’d encourage you to (grow up/give me the apartment key). In the event you refuse, I will get (a restraining order/the locks changed) and (call the police/euthanize your mother). The healing process – like (life/your nose) – is long and painstakingly necessary.
Your (archenemy/new best friend),
Steve Holbert
Posted by Steve Holbert
on Feb 5 2010. Filed under Opinion.
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