Satire: Steps to keep New Year’s resolutions

Let’s stop lying. Each year, millions of Americans make resolutions that never come true because of terrible work ethic and alcoholism. I am one of these people, but this year I’m making a change. With each resolution I have provided guaranteed steps to ensure success.

Steve Holbert’s 2010 New Year’s Resolutions:

1. I will raise my self-esteem. (Make ugly friends and visit nursing homes.)

2. I will support a charity. (Buy something (RED) from Gap.)

3. I will stop drinking. (Don’t go home over long weekends, holidays or after graduation.)

4. I will convince my girlfriend’s parents I’m not gay. (Get her pregnant, then get her mom pregnant.)

5. I will finally earn street-cred. (Watch “Stomp the Yard” and learn the Single Ladies dance. The latter may interfere with resolution four.)

6. I will make a difference in a child’s life. (Make a fake Hogwarts letter, put it in a kid’s mailbox and watch their spirit soar higher than any hippogriff could ever take them, then leave quietly before the boy’s Baptist father burns the letter and his son at the stake.)

7. I will fix my relationship problems. (Have a baby.)

8. Get on “So You Think You Can Dance.” (Pick a Lady GaGa song, spend grueling hours and then sleep with the judges.)

9. I will learn to love again. (Still working on it.)

10. I will make more money than I spend. (Stop giving myself away for free.)

11. I will find a political cause I can stand behind. (Attend a Fair Tax rally and convince congressmen legalizing marijuana will be passed sooner.)

12. I will learn to appreciate my body. (Burn Abercrombie to the ground and eat Kripsy Kreme doughnuts over the smoldering rubble.)

13. I will liberate myself from my overprotective parents. (Forego college and pursue my childhood dream of professional wrestling.)

14. I will finally answering the adorable hate mail on GCSUnade.com. (Ask each of them on a date.)

15. I will learn to read a road map. (Find addresses of hate-mailers and pick them up at their houses for the dates.)

16. I will learn to build the reverse-bear trap thing from “Saw.” (Ask haters to try it on.)

17. I will justify my creative writing major by crafting the next American best-seller. (Take rough draft and add vampires, unnecessary plot twists and a conspiracy involving the Catholic Church.)

18. I will convince Angela Lansbury to marry me. (Take her out for drinks and stop chasing my tequila shots with Trix yogurt.)

19. I will become famous. (Call the National Inquirer and claim to have had an affair with Tiger Woods. May also interfere with resolution four.)

20. I will figure out exactly what is going on in a Lady GaGa music video. (Epic fail).

Posted by Steve Holbert on Jan 22 2010. Filed under Opinion. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry