Satire column: Jesus stole my birthday
Dear Santa,
How’s it going up there at the North Pole? I’m sure the weather is fair and frost, and I can picture you sipping hot chocolate by the fire while you play Lil’ Wayne and avoid countless labor laws. I plan on visiting you as soon as the Christmas rush is over.
I usually refrain from writing selfish lists each year, but this year I only want one thing. It’s fast. It’s easy. It’s simple. Please ask Jesus to move his birthday to a different month!
I know Jesus and you don’t exactly get along, but I’m sure it’s nothing prayer, kindness and a heartfelt speech on tolerance cannot fix. Look at it this way; you practically stole December from Jesus anyway. It’s not like the letters in your name spell “Satan” or anything.
Why would I ask this of you? My birthday is in December, and contrary to popular belief a December birthday is a pagan curse. People forget your birthday every year – especially the ones who birthed you, but they try to cover up their hurtful ignorance. I can’t tell you how many times my birthday presents were “hidden under the tree” in snowflake paper, or the year grandma gave me a card that read “Happy Birthday Jesus.” It took me three years to realize I was not the Messiah, which as you can guess is a big disappointment.
These occurrences are not uncommon for children with December birthdays, and this neglect can cause severe psychological damage. Just last year I refused to bathe for weeks and spent my birthday laying naked in a manger waiting for people to admonish me. Countless couples walked by and ignored me. I told myself they were Jewish.
Santa, I believe through your extensive black magic training at the Durmstrang Institute, you could easily hypnotize baby Jesus into moving his birthday, but before you do, tell him the positive aspects. Jesus would no longer struggle sharing shelf room with Halloween and Thanksgiving at Walmart. Children will no longer fear eternal hell-fire for choosing the Harry Potter outfit over the sexy-preteen angel costume.
Santa, I am greatly appreciative for you taking time out your busy schedule to help me, so I’m upgrading your milk and cookies. Expect a healthy GCSU-sized helping of Get-Laid-Lemonade and Reefer Brownies.
Your devoted follower,
Steve Holbert
Posted by Colonnade Archives
on Dec 4 2009. Filed under Opinion.
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