Satire: A two-faced greeting
The many faces of a recycled doormat
While browsing for $200 bed sheets at Bed Bath and Beyond – exceptionally expensive because the sheets already came with a hooker – I saw a doormat made out of recycled flip-flops.
Genius! Parade your hummers. Blind a rapist with your arousal cans. Protect the ozone from your foot thong. My mind questioned what else I could recycle into an exciting welcome mat.
Dead grandma’s sweaters – she sure isn’t using them. Busted condoms – keep your converse protected from the elements. Even better, use that questionable Ten Commandments statue – I’m sure the courthouse won’t mind. Nothing says welcome like reminding your guest of their sins.
My friend and I agreed there should only be one doormat – a mat that, like it’s owner – changes for each guest. I know what your thinking, “Steve, how are you going to make an electric doormat that won’t kill kids?” The answer’s simple: I’m not.
The doormat would change as follows:
Your girlfriend/boyfriend: Love you
Your other girlfriend/boyfriend: Love you too.
Your mother: Currently cleaning
Your mother’s new boyfriend: DIE
$20 hooker: (Stripper pole rises from the ground)
Your ex-girlfriend: Your stuff’s @ the Goodwill
Your PTSD uncle: BEHIND YOU!
Your infertile sister: (There’s an abandoned baby in a basket – potential lightning bolt scar on his forehead. To maximize the appeal, the baby will be black or Asian.)
Jehovah witnesses: WWJD? (leave)
Mormons: Free Bicycles Next Door
Atheists: (There is no doormat.)
Yenta: Matchmaker, Matchmaker do your job!
Lady GaGa: What’s that bulge?
Black friend: CHANGE
Republican black friend: CHANGE is the devil
Rich Republican black friend: Got spare CHANGE?
Illegal immigrant: (Picture of Map from Dora the explorer, who sings, “Dora, Dora, Dora the explorer. Helping those illegals cross the border. Where are we going.” and at that moment the doormat sucks them secret agent style into the back of a nearby INS van.
White conservative: PRICK
Jesus: Everyone always welcome.
SGA Member: Gone to Work Out
If doormats were as two faced as people, the world would be a better place. Wouldn’t it?
Posted by Colonnade Archives
on Nov 20 2009. Filed under Opinion.
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