Satire: Acceptance speeches gone awry
I keep a stock of acceptance speeches for various awards I plan on receiving throughout my lifetime. Here are a few of my favorites.
Nobel Peace Prize
I am truly honored. I had to kill a lot of people to get this far and it was worth every precious moment.
Oprah’s Book Club
To my fellow writers, I did sell out. But I now own a home – a three-story home in a gated community with a pool, hurricane-proof shell and IKEA robot, who tends to my children as I write my sequel.
Tony Award for Best Actress
I would first like to thank my vagina, and the entire medical staff of the Medical College of Georgia who installed it. Thank you all very much and my vagina and I look forward to making you laugh for years to come.
Tony Award for Best Play/Book of a Musical
To the other nominees – sucks to be you right now! I never thought an absurdest opera about the life of my pet hamster would have made it this far, but though your undying support of “The Epic Battle of the Ninjas and the Whale: The Opera” has flourished. Thank you, and God bless.
Presidential Inauguration: 9/11 was bad. American’s need cheaper gas. Canada sucks. I’m going to make a lot of promises. You will love them, cheer and tell your grandchildren about them. Here’s the catch – none of them are actually going come true. God bless America.
Country Music Awards,
Album of the Year
Hey, y’all! (Nobody notices I say “y’all” during my speech.) I would just like to thank the fans because without them my CD – “I’m a proud (non-black, non-gay, non-Jewish) American” – would have never been such a success. I would like to thank God, whom I love with all my heart and truly believe he is defecating on Dawin’s grave at the moment. I love my wife and three strapping young boys – Washington, Lincoln and Bubba. God bless America. Go Republicans!
Maury Paternity Test
Maury: Steve, what are you going to do if this baby isn’t yours?
Steve: Well, Maury, I’ve been with him for three years and I can’t just give up on him like that. I want to stay in his life. He’s my boy no matter what.
(Audience applauses)
Maury: Steve, the paternity test for 3-year-old Cyrano Omar Holbert says (overly dramatic pause) you are not the father
Steve: (jumping out of chair) Oh hell no! (trashing the stage and walking into the bricked hallway with baby’s mamma trailing behind) I’m out! Bye! I was cheating on her anyway; don’t want her stanky baby anyway (doing stanky leg dance).
(In the case I am the father and then we hug and start working on baby No. 2.)
Posted by Colonnade Archives
on Nov 13 2009. Filed under Opinion.
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