Answers lie between the thighs

Dear Mr. President (whom I have multiple photos of on my mantle),
The economy is worse than myCATS and the government is failing. I have a solution to end both unemployment and unhappiness – legalize prostitution.
Jobs are far and few between, but the jobless have one untapped income source – their bodies. Sir, lay your policies aside and let people lay down. America can fix itself; look at the gangsters taken off the street every year by their own kind.
Why won’t the government legalize prostitution? The same reason the man – and manly women in suits – refuses to legalize pot and gay marriage: They can’t tax it. Senators won’t support something they can’t suck dry; although I’m sure they could suck something off gay marriage. Sorry if that seemed like a turn on Mr. President. I’m not trying to seduce you through my letter, unless you’re into that sort of thing. Then, I’d consider it my civic duty.
I know you’re thinking, “This is brilliant. What’s the problem?” Tax forms. Hookers have no tax forms because no one knows what they’d look like. Would they be on plain white paper or Bret Michaels stationary? Would they have extensive STD screenings? There are limitless possibilities and with limitless possibilities come limitless jobs for tax-form designers.
After the tax forms, would hookers have a union? If so, what would it be named? Women Helping Out Recent Economic Struggles (W.H.O.R.E.S)?
The union could tackle the big-busted issues.
Do they get paid by hour or by quality?
Condoms would define tax write-offs. Do babysitters, weave and abortions count too?
Are gigolos a minority guaranteed employment? If not, Al Sharpton will bring thousands of protestors with signs saying “Hell no we won’t blow!”
Are job interviews conducted via webcam?
Can we avoid awkward tax form numbers (69, 52, 3.14 . )?
Is there maternity leave?
Is an ugly client considered an “on the job accident”?
Mr. President – the leader of the greatest land on Earth since the Roman Empire, which supported whoring and political associations – I offer you the positive aspects of prostitution.
Statistics: By statistics I mean Tyra – say sex is the greatest calorie burner. Obesity could be solved by staying in bed.
America thrives off fees (like parking tickets); new laws could be made to steal every cent. Hookers may have mandatory weekly check-ups to boost revenue or forced to use certain condom brands, which the U.S. could monopolize. No more Trojans. Only Patriots.
Overcrowded jails annually cost taxpayers millions of dollars. That’s money not directly deposited into Congress members’ pockets. Through legal prostitution, America’s jails would be unclogged, reducing spending.
Mr. President, did you know King Solomon, the wisest man in history, also supported concubines? You could be our King Solomon – praised and pleasured. It’s worked before. Look at Clinton and Kennedy.
Why outlaw something people do for free? Sex is fine – as long as you’re married and have compatible genitals – but sex for money is wrong. What are you telling young America? If times are hard – just give it away!

Sincerely wearing your face on my shirt,
Steve Holbert

Posted by Colonnade Archives on Nov 6 2009. Filed under Opinion. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry