Satire: The root of all evil — telemarketers
Everyone has that one thing that makes him or her snap. Mine is telemarketers. I thought I had this anger problem under control until recently, when a 5-minute conversation sent me halfway to hell in a hand basket.
TELEMARKETER FROM HELL (hereby known as TFH): Hello. Of whom do I have the pleasure in speaking?
Me: Steve Holbert.
TFH: Hello, Mr. Holbert. This is John with the Pro-Life Campaign. Have you heard of us?
(You all see where this is going.)
ME: No, but I’m sure you’re gonna tell me.
TFH: We’re an organization that deals with abortion issues by campaigning and educating the general public about the horror that is abortion. Mr. Holbert are you pro-life or pro-choice?
ME: I’m actually pro-wrestling, but I’m pro-life outside the ring.
TFH: Very funny sir, and I’m glad to hear it. Do you know what the (insert name of some act I can’t remember) is?
ME: No, but I’m sure you’re gonna tell me.
TFH: It’s an act Congress is trying to pass to make all abortions legal and overturn all the regulations the Pro-Life Campaign has worked so hard to instill. How does that make you feel?
ME: Hungry. I could really go for some Taco Bell right now, not because it’s great but because it’s cheap. Other than that, it makes me very sad on the inside.
TFH: Exactly. We’re trying to fight this act desperately, but in these troubled times we are running into financial problems. (We all know where this is going.) If we send you an envelope in the mail could you please fill it with a $50 to a $100 dollar donation?
ME: (Dramatic pause) HELL NO!
TFH: (puzzled) Pardon me sir. Would a smaller donation be easier?
ME: No, pardon me sir. If I send you an envelope would you send me money?
TFH: Of course. (That’s a lie, and he knows it.) If you could just quickly explain to me why you need the money.
(The comedic wheels turn in my head, and we all know where this is going.)
ME: I’m pregnant. (pause) And I need an abortion.
(The phone clicks.)
I hate telemarketers so much I became pro-choice. They have to be stopped.
Posted by Colonnade Archives
on Oct 23 2009. Filed under Opinion.
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