Satire: Nipples – God’s currency

Women are crazy. They spend thousands of dollars getting their breasts altered to conform to the media’s standard of beauty. Toddlers will soon sexualize sandboxes with their DD sipi-cups.

A friend of mine told me the other day she got her breasts reduced. As a man I pondered, why on earth would you do that? Apparently if a woman’s breasts are too big, they weigh her down and hurt her back. (Solution, have your boyfriend help hold them up – he would be more than happy, I’m sure.)

Pros: No back problems.

Cons: If you fall in a chocolate river, you will die. You could have been saved by breast buoyancy.

So, my friend went from a D cup to an A cup, and has got her hope back, but she told me about her new nipples. Apparently, when you get your tatas reduced, they cut your nipples down to size to prevent girls from looking like a naked hoot owl. Questions: 1) Where do unwanted nipple pieces go? Landfills? Charity? Japanese restaurants? 2) Are there pre-sized cookie cutters for each breast size, or is there a chart unavailable to teenage boys across the nation?

Then I thought . could I get my nipples done? Not pierced or anything like that. Could I get my nipple cut into any shape I want. A triangle and then a star over my heart. Could I get Obama’s face right over my heart so when I pledge allegiance he will subconsciously know.

Then I thought. Maybe girls would like it if my nipples were manlier. What about a scorpion? A cougar – the animal not your lit teacher? Taylor Swift on one and Kanye West drawing attention away from her on the other.

Nipple franchises would open across the nation, and teen girls would get their nipples done in the shape of the Jonas Brothers. Screw Build-a-Bear! Build-a-BREAST! Imagine the late night commercials – which end up on MTV and Cartoon Network during Adult Swim – which is conveniently on when children are watching.

THE BEST NIPPLE COMMERCIAL EVER

Tommy and Kimberly are on Spring Break, and they frolic onto the beach. Bob rips his shirt off, but Shaquanda keeps her on . for now at least.

Kimberly: Did you get your nipple done.

Tommy: You bet I did!

Kimberly: With your refund check?

Tommy: No . yes!

Kimberly: It’s still a little red. What is it?

Tommy: It’s a Skittle. Wanna taste the rainbow?

Kimberly: Hellz no! I’m a waiting for marriage! (She punches him in the groin with her true-love-waits ring and Tazers his thousand dollar investment into submission.)

Posted by Colonnade Archives on Oct 9 2009. Filed under Opinion. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry