Holbert’s life as the black Power Ranger

7 a.m.: Power alarm goes off! I destroy it with my power ax and take a power nap!

8 a.m.: Open my closet. All my clothes are the same color. I’m colorblind, so I don’t notice.

8:15 a.m.: Read the power paper, and discover the pink and yellow rangers are forbidden to read. Turns out they also make 76 power coins to my dollar

8:30 a.m.: Pop power Prozac to make it through the day.

9 a.m.: Hang out at the juice bar with the same four friends, wearing the same colors as the power rangers. Nobody notices.

9:05 a.m.: Sneak rum into the pink ranger’s juice.

9:07 a.m.: Learn the stanky leg.

10:00 a.m.-noon: Facebook. It’s addicting.

12:30 p.m.: Meet girlfriend for lunch. For lunch, I don’t eat. Have to stay in shape to fight evil.

12:35-12:55 p.m.: Girlfriend complains and I pretend to listen.

12:56 p.m.: Hug crying girlfriend.

1 p.m.: Get a call from headquarters.

1:01 p.m.: Finish up with girlfriend, and become a beam of black light and arrive at headquarters.

1:10 p.m.: Snort crack off Alpha’s bum.

1:15 p.m.: Ask Zordon if he could give me a hand. Everyone laughs – except Zordon.

1:20 p.m.: Teleport to picturesque park to fight among the children.

1:25 p.m.: It’s morphin’ time! I morph – like sailor moon, I get all naked. Feels like bubble rap and herpies all over my body.

1:26 p.m.: Reflect on how father never loved me and take my anger out on the Puddies. (They sound like turkeys with turrets.)

1:27 p.m.: Show off stanky leg during battle. (Teammates are not impressed.)

1:30 p.m.: Fight freaky monster, with the same body as a monster we defeated during season two, but the head is totally different. We have the option to destroy it, but let it get away. I named him Frances.

1:45 p.m.: Go back home to look at power porn.

3 p.m.: Finish looking at power porn – it’s almost as addicting as Facebook.

3:05 p.m.: Giant Frances attacks the city.

3:06 p.m.: Call upon my mighty Mastodon zord. It’s in the shop. I quickly call my backup – the Indian elephant. It’s endangered.

3:10 p.m.: We combine and my stripper zord becomes the megazord’s bird finger.

3:15 p.m.: I have to pee in uniform – complicated. Wish I was the yellow ranger right now.

3:20-3:23 p.m.: Battle epically and destroy half the city. The citizens don’t mind as long as we win.

3:35 p.m.: Pink ranger gets DUI in megazord. Ha ha!

4 p.m.: Interview candidate for new ranger position. He calls himself the Fusha ranger.

4:10 p.m.: Fusha ranger hits on me.

4:18 p.m.: Tell Fusha ranger he’ll find out about the opening – meaning the job position – in two to three weeks

4:20 p.m.: Take a cold shower and teleport home.

4:30 p.m.: Binge on Cool Ranch Doritos and Kryspy Kreme.

4:35 p.m.: Force myself to throw up.

4:40 p.m.: Get a Facebook message from Zordon saying evil has been destroyed by the Beetleborgs and there’s no need for Power Rangers anymore.

4:41 p.m.: Join the rest of America’s 12 percent unemployed.

4:42 p.m.: Get wasted on Smirnoff to hide the pain.

5 p.m.: Show up at haunted mansion to seek drunken revenge on Beetleborgs.

5:03 p.m.: Killed by Blue Beetleborg.

5:03.5 p.m.: Arrive in heaven.

ETERNITY: Partner with Jesus and beat the crap out of the Devil – and Darwin.

Posted by Colonnade Archives on Oct 2 2009. Filed under Opinion. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry