Satire column: Girlfriend application

God hates single people. Don’t deny it. He’s constantly taunting us. You go to the mall and see all those couples holding hands, baby talking and Build-A-Bearing, so you push them off the escalator and send them to hell or silently pray the condom breaks. In addition, television is constantly pressuring us into a love triangle – “Degrassi,” “10 Things I Hate About You” and “TrueBlood” (the interspecies love triangle).

Personally, I don’t want two girls downtown fighting over me, although it would give me some major street cred. I just want one girl. Let the applications begin.

THE OFFICIAL STEVE HOLBERT GIRLFRIEND

APPLICATION 2.5

PLEASE ANSWER NEATLY IN GREEN OR BLUE INK: (I’m not racist, but black ink lacks personality.)

1. Name?

2. Age? (I don’t usually ask, but there’s a point where I could go to jail.)

3. Do you have female genitalia?

4. Were you born with female genitalia? If not please explain.

5. I am flying us on a romantic date to Paris – coach of course. You’re overbearing mother decides to come along, and our plane is attacked by Decepticons. There are only two parachutes. Who do you save? (I have the power of flight.)

6. When in college did you ever experiment? If so, I do not have female genitalia.

7. Krispy Kreme or Dippin’ Dots?

8. SAT score.

9. Did you grow out of the goth kid phase, and if not may I perform an exorcism? The devil can be sexy.

10. The two of us are at a stranger’s funeral. I fart during the eulogy. Would you take the blame?

11. We are at Cowboy Bill’s trivia night, and you’re in mid-answer when Kanye West interrupts you. Do you let him steal your moment, do you take him out, or do you wait for karma?

12 What is a Hufflepuff?

13. If I like it, can I put a ring-pop on it? (I’m a broke college kid.)

14. The two of us are running from an ax murder, and for some strange reason believe a sketch-looking house is the best hiding spot. We both hide in opposing closets and the ax murderer finds you. Would you snitch me out? (I have already prepared your eulogy – in verse.)

15. Would you sneak meat into a vegetarian’s meal out of spite? Pure, unadulterated spite.

16. I am colorblind and the two of us go shopping. I pick up a pink shirt – so pink Stevie Wonder does a double take. I try it on and like it. Do you tell me it’s pink?

17. Stevie Wonder chases me down for the previous statement and beats me up. At his next concert, would you pull the piano away from him while he’s playing?

18. If you were a boy, could you understand? Or would you just pee standing up?

19. Let’s say you have an unhealthy fascination with Edward Cullen and his fourth-grade vocabulary. Would you bedazzle my naked body to make me glisten in the sun, or would you love me just the way I am?

20. Steve is awesome because ____________. (500 words or less)

Please submit all answers to The Colonnade. The winner gets a bunch of yellow Starbursts.

Posted by Colonnade Archives on Sep 25 2009. Filed under Opinion. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry