2009 predictions for every month
February:
Dennis Kucinich, the perpetual Presidential candidate, announces his candidacy for the 2012 Democratic nomination for President. He claims the Obama administration has had a disastrous first eleven days.
During a speech, President Barack Obama notices that the spectators are hungry. He finds someone with three fish and five loaves of bread and multiplies it enough to feed 5,000.
Valentines Day comes and goes, and I forget to get my lovely fiancé flowers because I’m too busy writing a column for the Colonnade. I’m temporarily moved to the dog house.
March:
The NCAA men’s basketball tournament consumes the nation as millions of workers stop using company computers to check facebook and now use office computers to check up on their school’s games. Georgia Tech wins the tournament becoming the first 16 seed to win national championship. (Hey, a guy can dream).
President Obama walks on water while leaving an aircraft carrier.
April:
Jimmy Carter reports seeing a UFO.again.
Three liberal leaning Supreme Court justices immediately retire feeling confident that President Obama will replace them with like-minded judges. President Obama then proceeds to nominate Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson. Republicans decide to filibuster the Cowell nomination after he criticizes their singing as sounding like a cat falling off the Empire State Building.
President Obama heals a blind man.
May:
After over half a year of single-handedly trying to improve his legacy, former President George W. Bush finally decides to give up when he looks at his poll numbers and sees that they are in the negatives.
President Obama performs another miracle by holding a joint press conference with former President Bush that resurrects his poll numbers to positive numbers.
My beautiful fiancé becomes my beautiful wife. I am still in the dog house.
June:
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton allows her husband, former President Bill Clinton to hire his first female intern since the Lewinsky scandal in 1998. The conditions the intern must meet are as follows: a morbidly obese, septuagenarian with bad acne and a peg leg. Sexual relations occur anyway.
President Obama visits a bar that runs out of alcohol. He then turns water into wine.
July:
Major League Baseball holds its annual All-Star game. In the third inning of a tied game, Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig cancels the rest of the game so that the players will not get tired or injured.
President Obama gives a speech where he announces his plans to expand the size and role of the federal government. Several founding fathers roll over in their graves. Liberals point to this as proof of Barack Obama performing a brief resurrection. His poll numbers soar.
August:
Former Republican Vice-Presidential candidate, Sarah Palin, mauls Tina Fey in a New York City parking lot. Immediately following the incident, Tina Fey makes an obvious “pit bull with lipstick” joke.
Hurricane season starts with a massive hurricane headed towards New Orleans. President Obama arrives at New Orleans before the hurricane and as the rain begins he says some words that calm the storm. Millions around the nation ask why former President Bush didn’t do this?
September:
Vice-President Joe Biden gives a speech where he makes another semi-racist comment about President Obama. President Obama then preaches the virtue of forgiveness and challenges all in the press corps that only he who is without sin should cast the first stone. President Obama then throws a rock at Vice-President Biden.
October:
The Braves humiliate the New York Yankees in the World Series. I win my fantasy baseball league (now I’m really dreaming!)
Former Vice-President Dick Cheney goes hunting in Wyoming. Homeland Security puts the entire state of Wyoming on Red Alert just in case.
Noticing a shortage in government revenue, President Obama opens a fish’s mouth and finds $1,174,349,565,238.71.
November:
Britney Spears has another very public breakdown. President Obama is waiting at the barber shop for her where he proceeds to cast out her demon. He has single-handedly saved the world from seeing Britney Spears bald again.
Following President Bush’s example of visiting Iraq on Thanksgiving to serve the soldiers turkey, President Obama visits every house in America via sleigh delivering a turkey and a commemorative Obama Presidential plate.
December:
Gas prices soar to $2.50 per gallon. Americans everywhere go crazy at this astronomical price.
President Obama finishes the year by single handedly ending global warming, AIDS, poverty, world hunger, terrorism, racism, sexism, Communism, pollution, genocide and the BCS.
Posted by Colonnade Archives
on Jan 23 2009. Filed under Opinion.
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