Movie Review: Snakes on a Plane are no match for Sammy L

Wouldn’t it be great if terrorists weren’t just like snakes, but actually were snakes! And what if they tried taking over a plane, but Samuel L. Jackson was on it?
That’s a great idea, and it could be released around 9/11 so that everyone who wanted to be patriotic, but not be sent on three hour guilt trip for their own humanity, could go see it. We could call it Snakes on a Plane and it would be social commentary on how all different stereotypes have to work together to thwart the terrorists — I mean snakes.
Should the snakes wear turbans?
No, that’s going overboard. But we’ll digitally draw the snakes in and have them lash out at the camera a lot. This will provoke jumps and screams in the audience, which is always good for couples because it will draw them closer to one another. That’s sweet. And make sure that we include a scene where a snake grapples a man’s genitalia and mangles it. This will be female empowering.
We need exposition, but we don’t want to use shameless stereotypes like Middle Eastern Muslims who try to bring down Air Force One. That premise has been way overdone. We’ll use a Korean crime syndicate. They decide to kill a witness by planting hormone-induced snakes on the plane to bring it down. That’s something they would do because Korean guys like snakes and crime and stuff. So it’s believable, and we don’t get pestered by any activist types. Did I mention that we’ll only use computer-generated snakes? People can’t tell the difference anyway.
We need other actors too.
No we don’t. We’ve got Samuel L. Jackson. We’ll just take a bunch of film school grads and dress them up as passengers. We need a pretentious rap artist who’s horny as all-get-out but is germ phobic when it comes to little kids and snakes. This way we get to see him freak out when he sees the snakes, and we also get to see him hit on the white chick. Young men within our target demographic will like that, and it will teach them a lesson. There is no germ exchange during sexual intercourse.
We also need a snobby British guy. He’ll die rather quickly because if he works with the Americans to defeat the snake terrorists it’ll ruin our entire metaphor. We can’t imply that Americans need help from other countries. Especially the British.
You’re right. We’ll give him the worst death possible. This is great stuff, but do you think that Samuel L. Jackson can carry this ensemble cast and its patriotic message alone?
Only if he uses the f-word throughout the movie. And if we make him more sentimental by having the snakes kill his partner. Then it becomes personal, you see. He should even get a little teary-eyed when it happens so that people see the true heart and soul of American heroes. Who didn’t get a little teary-eyed on 9/11? Then he’ll rally everyone together and they’ll stop the snakes!
How?
By stacking luggage in the doorways, of course. Snakes hate luggage. But they can’t do it before the snakes get to the pilots and kill them so that Samuel L. Jackson has to land the plane. Wait a minute. The American people have to do something. We’ll have Kenan Thompson land the plane. He’s a young American who plays video games a lot. We want our target demographic to feel that we think playing video games is a quality skill-building pastime, just like flying a plane or pressing ‘fire missile’ buttons for the army.
Okay. Hey, how many Paws do you think Snakes on a Plane will get in this week’s edition of Georgia College and State University’s The Colonnade? Five. Not a doubt in my mind.

Posted by Colonnade Archives on Sep 22 2006. Filed under Features. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry