The ‘true’ State of the Union address
The following is an excerpt from last week’s State of the Union address, only it is altered to include remnants of the truth.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of the United States.”
Thank you Mr. Speaker, Vice President Cheney, members of Congress. Tonight we pay tribute to the good life of Coretta Scott King. May she find peace. May she comfort her husband as he continues to roll over in his grave thanks to my abandonment of the poor Blacks of New Orleans. I am ashamed, and I pray God someday forgives me.
Every time I’m invited to this rostrum, I’m mindful of our history together. I will now evoke the memory of Sept. 11 as a means to justify ill judgment on the part of my administration. Hindsight is 20-20, so now I will be a man and accept the fact that invading Iraq without hesitation was a mistake; the reputation of America, not to mention your grandchildren’s grandchildren will be paying the price for this incompetence and once again, I am sorry. (applause).
Abroad, our nation seeks the end of tyranny in our world. With the exception of Saudi Arabia, home of 15 of the 19 highjackers who attacked our great nation; I will continue to hold their leader’s hand, serving him the finest champagne the White House has to offer. There’s also the exception of the government of Sudan. I call its acts “genocide,” but I refer to them as “allies.” Tyranny or not, there will be no engagement of our troops unless there lies a personal vendetta. You know my doctrine.
Dictatorships feed resentment and seek weapons of mass destruction, and yes, I still have the nerve to say the words “weapons of mass destruction” in front of the American people. I surprise myself sometimes. The terrorists have chosen the weapon of fear, and if you’ve followed American politics during the past five years, I’ve been taking notes. Take it from me and Mr. Cheney, it certainly works.
There is no peace in retreat and no honor in retreat. The United States will not retreat from the world, but because of my ideology, the world has already retreated from the United States.
The Palestinian people recently voted in elections, and the militant group Hamas seized victory. Now, they must recognize Israel and reject terrorism. Then again, it’ll be a cold day in their version of Hell before that happens. Perhaps democracy isn’t the answer to the woes of the Arab world, considering, when given the chance, they elect radical Islamists. I stand corrected.
And Congress did not act on my proposal to “save” Social Security last year. Maybe they had enough sense to see through my masked motives of utilizing its trust funds to pay for a war with no end in sight and tax breaks for our wealthiest. Damn.
America has become a more hopeful nation. In recent years, drug use has dropped by 19 percent–that is, since I stopped snorting cocaine (applause).
I want to also thank the Senate for confirming Judge Sam Alito. Better run and get those abortions while they’re legal, ladies!
Lastly, I remain an embarrassing douchebag.
May God Bless America.
Posted by Colonnade Archives
on Feb 10 2006. Filed under Opinion.
You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0.
You can leave a response or trackback to this entry
