Fashion File

Guys, I’m here to address some of the things that you consider fashionable. I doubt any of you will read this; in which case, the burden of enforcing these fashion rules and guidelines goes out to the girlfriends and friends of such fashion offenders. So, throw out your Mr. T starter-kit because the days of gold chains and hoop earrings are over!
I can get on board with a wedding ring but that’s the only kind of ring, that is acceptable in the male decorating spectrum. Many guys feel that silver rings and huge class rings suffice as adequate decoration. They do not. Wedding rings are acceptable because they mean something. Congratulations if you graduated from high school. That entitles you to a diploma but does not excuse you from wearing an oversized class ring. So, rule number one with man jewelry is that it is OK to wear wedding rings, but not to wear ANY other kind of ring. If you and your NFL team won the Super Bowl, go ahead and wear that ring too, but I doubt that applies to any of you.
The other type of jewelry I see guys wearing is necklaces. There’s nothing I hate more than the infamous shell necklace. I have done an extensive survey of the girls on this campus and the response is a resounding NO to shell necklaces. When I say shell necklaces, I mean shells of all shapes and sizes.
I don’t care if you collected the shells yourself; it’s silly. I don’t care if you wrestled a shark to the ocean floor and the teeth were all that was left of him; no shell necklace is suitable. Please don’t try to justify your wearing a shell necklace with some story like that either, because we all know that you got it at a beach shop or, more than likely, Abercrombie & Fitch. Also, some boys wear gold chain necklaces which make me physically ill. Boys: please do not adorn your necks with any kind of jewelry.
Now, on to earrings. Why do some boys rock huge hoop earrings? Why? Some of you think that you’re a bunch of pirates. Well, you’re definitely not Jack Sparrow, but it looks like the Curse of the Black Pearl just might be upon you. Hoop earrings make you look silly and only bring attention to your ears, which are more than likely not very attractive. The only exceptions are Harrison Ford and Puffy: Harrison, because he’s old and he can do what he wants, and Puffy because he’s constantly changing his name.
There is one type of jewelry that is accepted worldwide. Bling. When I say bling, I mean the real thing. Don’t go to Claire’s Boutique and buy some fake diamond studs. If you have a ten carat diamond stud in your ear and it’s real, then you’re OK by me. If you want to rock a chain around your neck, it better look a lot like Nelly or Jay-Z’s jewelry. Just like fake designer bags, the fake diamonds are completely unacceptable. Obviously, rule number two on man jewelry is that fake diamonds are intolerable.
Please, guys, follow these simple rules that I have laid out for you and I promise you will be in good shape.

Posted by Colonnade Archives on Feb 27 2004. Filed under Opinion. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry